Do you ever get those times when you say you'll commit to something but then the someone asks you to something of equal importance on the same day? I'm sure everybody has .....but with me i seem to get them alot..... well of late anyway. Maybe because i'm newly in a relationship and its all new to me. Anyways, something like that happened to me today..... and i felt so torn saying no to one and yes to the other when both were equally important to me. So, what I did was make the obvious choice in helping out my friend when she was somewhat stuck in a predicament. By doing that though, I had to tell my boyfriend that i couldnt go to his church (again for like the umpteenth time) even though we had planned it ahead of time. When explaining it to him though i felt like i let him down .... again. Don't get me wrong..... he's very understanding and thats what i love about him...... but i always feel bad for doing stuff like that to him when he so doesn't deserve that. I know I made the right choice though. And he even convinced me over and over that he was not mad..... especially since he doesnt get mad easily. So then why do i still feel like a heel for doing this? Aarrgggg! I hate that about myself..... that i can constantly beat myself over and over about the stupidest things! AND.... do it on a regular basis! Maybe i do it because i am such a people pleaser and I hate disappointing others. I like serving and giving of myself and I hate coming up with lame excuses when I dont want to do stuff. Regardless, though, I need to STOP THIS!!!! Stop it and just pray that God will give me peace. Especially since i am such a worrier! And i want to leave the worrying to God since only He knows what the out come is anyways!
Enough said though....... that was my thoughts for today..... tomorrow is a new day.....

..... Maybe i will finish my song tomorrow too..... so much to do and so little time :)
Peace out!

The muses from my soul

I hope this goes well....mainly I am not one to write blogs let alone journals. Well see.... I do but not faithfully....which is something I wish I did more of. I don't know how many people will read this and I don't really care because for now this is mainly for me to get my feelings out and share bits of my life. This kind of thing helps....anyways.... in regards to working through problems that I feel. So....enough said I will write what is on my mind right now. Today was an interesting sort of day..... it started well enough but then I found out some news that just made me get so emotional. A lady from church who my family was close to passed away after battling cancer. She was such a sweet lady....always ready to give hugs and coming up with witty remarks. I know she's in a much better place....but it still saddens me that I will never get to see her again on earth. As well....I guess it got me so emotional because I began to think of my grandparents who are getting up there in age like she was. I have never lost anyone so close to me in my lifetime (regardless of great-grandparents when i was really little) so thinking of something happening to my grandparents just cut so deep. A couple years ago ... we almost lost poppa when he had surgery..... and that shook me up alot.....and I guess I was just remembering that now. Also, because of how short life is.....or what we do with the time we are given with certain people. I have been richly blessed by God to have been in a family where I have not lost anyone..... but with that I also felt somewhat ashamed. Ashamed....that here I was crying over a special lady who really wasnt a close relative.....while so many people around me have lost loved ones who are close relatives. Fathers, Mothers, cousins, aunts and uncles...... and here I felt so dumb crying over this especially when I see how strong those people are despite that. But then I had a really good talk with a friend of mine who has lost his father and he said something that totally made sense. The fact that I should not feel ashamed for being a lot emotional....because even though i have never lost anyone so close like someone as him...... it doesn't mean I'm not aloud to feel this way. No.....instead it goes to show how I have a heart ....and that I care about people. And even though i see those people being strong and not crying.....that doesn't mean I don't have to be the same way. I have never experienced what they have......but in going through these things......i am learning how to be strong bit by bit so that when a bigger trial comes my way.....I will be able to face it with lots of courage. I felt so much better after that talk..... and I was so glad he was there to somewhat bring perspective on these feelings. Well I think I will end this for now.....because i really do feel somewhat drained from all this, but before I go I just want to post lyrics to a song that is really great by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton:

When I Get Where I'm Going

When I get where I'm going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

[Chorus]Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck [Repeat chorus]

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going